fractal

I ate too much sugar this morning and ran around, my underwear should have been on my head.

Now I have a headache and I'm crashing.

Fuck you.

1. Smoked? almost a pack a day...
2. Been Drunk as hell? yes
3. Screwed someone of the opposite sex? Yes
4. Screwed someone of the same sex? with the hand tool? possibly...
5. Shoplifted? never
6. Lied? I prefer brutal honesty
7. Betrayed a friend? possibly...I hope not.
8. Been to jail? nope
9. Smoked weed? I can't remember...
10. Done LSD? yes
11. Done any other illegal drug? not in a long time
12. Given oral sex? is my mom reading this?
13. Received oral sex? is she still reading this?
14. Screwed something not of the human race? there's no proof that any of them have been human.
15. Screwed something not alive? I poked it with a stick and it didn't move, so sure?
16. Cheated on someone? no anymore.
17. Used someone? For sex? hasn't everyone?
18. Paid someone for sex? hell no
19. Been paid for sex? isn't that what a "date" is?
20. Played strip poker? yep
21. Skipped school? yhea...I'm not good at attendance
22. Skipped school to get high/drunk? probably when I was like 16
23. Danced naked? only in my living room and shower
24. Danced naked in public? no
25. Flashed someone? ha! of course!
26. Mooned someone? again, of course
27. Kissed someone? only my hand. It's good practice.
28. Kissed someone of the same sex? my hand is the same sex as the rest of me, isn't it?
29. Held hands? that's lovely.
30. Hugged someone? of course
31. French kissed? where the hell did the French come into this?
32. Had sexual fantasies? They're only fun when they become tangiable.
33. Had gay/lesbian fantasies? see previous statement.
34. Stolen money? no.
35. Stolen money from family? no.
36. Stolen drugs from family? no.
37. Been convicted of a crime? no.
38. Dated someone because you heard they were 'easy'? isn't everybody?
39. Had someone date you because they thought you were 'easy'? probably...
40. Been called a whore? yes.
41. Been called a bitch? yes.
42. watched porn? Yes, but most of it doesn't do much for me.
43. Taped porn? no.
44. Watched porn you taped? No
45. Kissed someone in a moving vehicle? yes
46. Screwed someone in a moving vehicle? not that I can recall
47. Used sex 'toys'? best boyfriends in the world.
48. Tried to kill yourself? just parts.
49. Tried to kill someone else? no.
50. Told someone you hated them? that's all in the past.
51. Told someone you loved them and didn't mean it? I didn't mean it later.

This morning walking up to my office, I saw scratched into the sidewalk "Life is a Moment". Now I'm wearing my hair down and its scratching the back of my neck, and fantasizing about the life that I could have led.

I have a disease.

I must shop. It sounds silly, but its not. It physically pains me when I don't for too long.

So I do what any rational woman would in my circumstance.

I purposely try on ill-fitting items and stare at the sales girl with hatred in my eyes. Now I feel better.

An 8 year grudge?

Gimme a fucking break...

Sometimes I can't tell if you're my anchor or what lets me go. Sometimes I can't even tell if you're real or not, if I only made you up in my head. Your face gets blurry in my mind, and I only see you in dreams.

Sometimes I wish you would just let me go, and others I wonder if you're why I'm still going.

Since there isn't much going on in the present...

Mediation session, where the East Village meets the West, a brownstone on the side of Washington Square Park. Not sure which side, but I remember that the house number had 23 in it, unless I'm creating a forced memory as I seem to have a tendancy to do.

We entered the room, and the women were all in their 60s, reading passages of the Bible outloud to each other. The lights dimmed and we sank into trance, and I felt the pull of their psyches on us. I fell through the floor, trancending. I fell through the ground, the Earth, through space, the sky and landed in the snow. I fell for hours in the matter of minutes, my body breaking sweat while it sat in the room.

Eventually, we opened our eyes, and I looked to my partner and said it was time to go. We left, drained, and wandered aimlessly around the Park for an hour and found our way home.

Today I bought myself a magazine. I like the pretty pictures.

Last Friday I cut and highlighted my hair. I'm semi-blonde, trying to look "professional" in this world where nobody wants to hire me and pay me lots of money to do very little. I would really like to dye it bright red again, and cut little tiny bangs. But I'm afraid of bangs, they take so long to grow out.

We're almost through painting the house. Tonight I'll be working alone on it in silence, the computer that doubles as my stereo is in pieces in the living room. Maybe I can sing to myself, tonedeaf as I am and make the dogs next door howl. We'll sing a symphony together.

Last night we camped out in the living room, build a mini-fort. I had never slept in that room before, the shadows cast strange angles on the walls. I liked it.

BASIC...

:x: name = fractal
:x: piercings = 10 randoms, about 20 that I let close
:x: tattoos = 9?
:x: shoe size = 6
:x: hair color = depends on my mood
:x: length = just beneath chin

LAST...

:x: movie you rented = Itchi the Killer
:x: movie you bought = ...
:x: song you listened to = a synphony on college radio
:x: song that was stuck in your head = Bliss, Tori Amos
:x: cd you bought = Tori Amos - To Venus & Back
:x: cd you listened to = not sure...
x: person you've called = Holland
:x: person that's called you = Matt
:x: tv show you've watched = Buffy the Vampire Slayer
:x: person you were thinking of = the boy

DO...

:x: you have a bf or gf = y
:x: you wish you could live somewhere else = yes
:x: you think about suicide = not usually
:x: you believe in online dating = sure, but its not for me
:x: others find you attractive = apparently
:x: you want more piercings = indifferent
:x: you drink = occasionally
:x: you do drugs = no
:x: you smoke = yes, Kamel Red Lights
:x: you like cleaning = no
:x: you like roller coasters = yes please
:x: you write in cursive or print = a bit of both
:x: you carry a donor card = no

FOR OR AGAINST...

:x: long distance relationships = against
:x: using someone = null
:x: killing people = is this a rhetorical question
:x: teenage smoking = only if its me
:x: doing drugs = mercurial
:x: premarital sex = yes please
:x: driving drunk = adminately against
:x: gay/lesbian relationships = all for
:x: soap operas = for

FAVORITE...

:x: food = italian
:x: song = today I don't have one
:x: thing to do = sloth
:x: thing to talk about = depends on who I'm with
:x: sports = does sex count?
:x: drinks = Ravenwood
:x: clothes = usually the ones I can't afford
:x: movies = Natural Born Killers, Tim Burton, Terry Gilliam, and it goes on and on and on
:x: band/singer = Tori Amos
:x: holiday = my birthday
:x: cars = the ones that go zoomey. But I want a red civic

Somebody implanted an idea in my head recently. It feels like its been awhile since I've had the wheels in there turning, maybe starting something new.

sometimes I wonder what goes through the minds of others...sometimes I want to scream and slap and make them cry...

friends aren't supposed to just quit, it isn't like a crappy minimum wage job...but they do

fuck it

I don't need that in my life

what I need is a Kamel Red Light, to finish my coffee, and to put some music on. I want to play dress up...

Time for an update, I guess its been awhile.

My SG journal today is a real entry, I'm not sure if I'll be doing that again...I don't really like to very much. Its more fun being cryptic I think.

I want to take pictures this week. Maybe I'll set up the tripod and digi cam and do some alone in the bedroom pics. If I'm ever not too lazy while I'm home. My nights have typically been spent on the couch, with my cat, my boy, and ice cream.

Its strange when things aren't spiraling out of control...One grows so accustomed to always grapping for reality, always staring through the looking glass into Wonderland, that when things are at a stand-still, and the air is silent, and everything is under control, one doesn't know what to do with oneself.
I miss chaos.

I stayed home from work (again) today. Lately I've just been so run down that there are just some mornings that its impossible for me to drag my ass out of bed. I'm glad I won't be taking any classes this summer. I can't deal anymore, its way too heavy a work load for me.

But anyway...

I'm kinda itching to dye my hair black. I've mentioned this in my SG journal a few times. Its a really pretty dark purple now, but its such a mess whenever I wash it. But once you go black you can never go back. Well, you can but its a huge pain in the ass. And I've been changing the color of my hair biweekly for the past few months, ever since I chopped it all off. Black is so sleek and sexy though. Maybe when this fades too much...

Tonight I went to a little party downtown that my friend Mouse throws every now and then. It was fun, I got to meet some of the SG folks that I talk to on the site, they were super sweet.
My kitty is all curled up in my lap as she is every time I use the computer, its really hideously adorable.
I'm still all alone in the house, I'm glad that we're doing our own thing this weekend, but I miss having him here...I guess that will make it that much better when he comes home tomorrow night.

I'm still in shock about the SG responses. I really wasn't expecting that. But I'm super stoked though.
I miss D...I know, I'm a big dork, he's only been gone for one night. But the bed always seems too big when he's not there with me. At least my kitty kept me company last night.
Today there will be no more procrastination! I will write the stupid paper that I should have started already. I really don't want to though.
I should go to the market. I'm hungry and there's nothing to eat. If only I could go there in my robe and kitty slippers...

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. I thought my set was so dorky. I cannot believe the response and feedback that I'm getting from it. Holy shit. I'm so honored to be among all these beautiful women, the girls who already have sets up and are everyone's favorites and all these beautiful girls who are still in limbo.

EGHAD!!!

Counting down the minutes until 11AM...

I can't believe its finally up! My heart has been in my throat all morning, I've been so fucking nervous.

Uh, I don't know how to work this...someone help!!! But thanks for saying hi to me!

I stayed in tonight, it was so nice and mellow. I had the house all to myself and I sat on the couch and pet my cat and watched stupid TV and played online every now and then. And then my good friend Holland came over and we talked shit (cause thats what she and I do). It was great.

Another blase day...where to begin? This is my first posting here, my debut, have to make it a good one...I couldn't think of anything creative or witty today for my SG journal, as I nervously anticipate tomorrow's new girl Friday, so I don't know why I'm trying here.
I'm tired, Thursdays always make me feel like suicide, knowing that there's only one day left, but that will feel longer than any of the others. But today wasn't as long as yesterday, yesterday had 24 whole hours in it.

Here I go again...